I’ve been feeling a bit run down lately. I’m not even going to try to hide or lie about it. Things have been a bit nutty in my mind. The environment I am in is awesome, yet my mind just is not adjusting to being so still.
So, where do I begin?
In all honesty…making the transition to New Zealand has been good, except on the job front. I haven’t found employment yet. It’s been a month and well…it’s been a worry. It along with my nagging feeling of rubbing people the wrong way has been my two major worries. I don’t give a shit about the money (I’m broke, but hell do have roof over head and food…so I am ok there). Going out for me just isn’t hitting either (pub and rugby would be nice…)
It’s just the job thing and the feeling like…um…I am just not enough.
Job thing
I want one of those so I can climb to where I want to be. My dream job is a Sound & Communications Electrician (although being an outside alt energy electrician is just as cool). Yet for now…I will take what I can so I can get established here period.
The electrician career is a major change from my rock & roll world of video production (editing and shooting and whatever else was necessary to have good shit).
I came to the realization that I want the career change after I felt myself drifting away in video land (my shooting was becoming lazy, my edits were becoming dodgy, I was always grumpy & I wasn’t taking care of myself…I was at my worst on ships and some of you all know & bitched about that).
I kept looking at my options then…Did I want to be a chef? An automotive mechanic? Play with electronics? I love to cook, so I thought being a chef would be great, except when I started doing research…all I felt was a sense of bleah!
Hmm…next! Automotive Mechanic. Fixing cars, trucks & bikes. Working with alternative fuel vehicles and developing generators that run on recycled vegetable oil!!! Yipppeee!!! Yes! Yet I realized that the scope was narrow and the fact was…I wanted more!
NEXT!!!
Sound & Comms Electrician…Let’s see!
I get to help install and/or troubleshoot the latest telecomm networks.
I get to install, set up and/or troubleshoot audio/video system set ups
Um…and as some of you all know…I love working with audio/video systems. I love learning about new tech in all aspects. Finally, combining all of the knowledge I am & would gain will allow me to help the world by installing systems that are capable of using alternative energies.
So yeah…electrician here I come!!!!!!!!
The only catch for the electrician role is… I can’t get an apprenticeship here in New Zealand because I am not a permanent resident. So I might return to the states to train and work a bit…then come back to NZ so I can settle down.
Now the next issue…
Rubbing people the wrong way!
Some of you all know me in person and know…
- My moods swing more than a pendulum on a grandfather clock (if you haven’t seen a grandfather clock…wiki or Google it! They are very cool!)
- I have as much tact as a bull has milk!
- I’m a motor mouth & say things that well…yeah reveal a bit much!
- I’m very awkward around people and sometimes stammer on things.
- I hide my feelings at times for the sake of others
- I am at other times very sensitive (oversensitive most of you all have said)
So lately, I have been working on just relaxing & being myself. I have been a bit of a motor mouth and I have been feeling like…I am just not good enough. With both of those things going on…I have felt a bit weird around people. I’ve had job interviews that have supposedly went well…yet I still don’t get the job. Been friendly, honest with the answers on things & have had some tact even!
I’ve tried being more of myself and honest with feelings lately and well…the looks & responses I have had, I feel like I have overstepped the boundaries. I know…it sounds like I am being oversensitive again, but the nagging feeling has been there. It hasn’t helped that I feel like there is a wall out there between myself, my friends, my family & even former co-workers.
I just want to be myself…open, honest, giving & receiving and feeling like I am enough as I am.
I’ve spent most of my bloody adult life feeling like I wasn’t worthy. I’ve spent the last 3 years studying “self-improvement” by listening to others spout on about it, reading books & attending seminars. I’ve spent most of my adult life chasing after people & things…trying to get them to see me as being worthy.
I guess…this feeling of “rubbing people the wrong way” comes from my own insecurities, feelings of being inadequate & comparing myself to others all of the time.
I keep chasing to be accepted by others. I chase crushes or love that’s unrequited. The more I do these things though…the more I falter in being & loving myself. Sometimes people will get offended, most of the time though…when you are truly yourself, people appreciate you more and look past the offensive comments.
I want to be myself…
A warm, passionate, open, honest, giving & receiving, caring and fun-loving woman who enjoys my life. It’s all I know to do. I know I am enough as I am.
